After the Storm

Clive James

We used to call what ruined us the storm,
though that suggests we could have seen it break
And barred the door. But it was multiform;
It got inside, it made a teacupshake,
It sought us out where we lay half awake.
Now it was here, what would it make us do?
When we were thrown together, then we knew.

It sometimes hit us even while we fought.
One sideways look, and soon the skin and hair
Were flying in a different sense. I thought
The consequences too extreme to bear:
This was the lion's den, the dragon's lair,
The storm. You used to say you felt the same,
When you could speak again, and spoke my name.

When the storm raged, I tried to hide in you,
Your only refuge was to cling to me.
The way we rode it was why it grew
In fury, until you began to see
Your only chance to live was in liberty.
So now you have the life you should have had,
And I am glad, No, I am very glad.

Visiting you, i see that it was worth
My loss. A family picnic on the beach,
Your beauty, still like nothing else on earth,
Here shows its purpose. No regrets. Yet each
Of us is well aware that your sweet speech
Is only tender, my glance merely warm.
This is just love. It is nothing like the storm.

Learning from suffering?

Krishnamurti: ...as I see it, you can learn nothing from suffering, though you should not withdraw from it. The function of suffering is to give you a tremendous shock; the awakening caused by that shock gives you pain, and then you say, ''Let me find out what I can learn from it.'' Now if, instead of saying this, you keep awake during the shock of suffering, then that experience will yield understanding. Understanding lies in suffering itself, not away from it; suffering itself gives freedom from suffering.

Comment: You said the other day that self-analysis is destructive, but I think that analyzing the cause of suffering gives one wisdom.

Krishnamurti: Wisdom is not in analysis. You suffer, and by analysis you try to find the cause; that is, you are analyzing a dead event, the cause that is already in the past. What you must do is find the cause of suffering in the very moment of suffering. By analyzing suffering you do not find the cause, you analyze only the cause of a particular act; then you say, ''I have understood the cause of that suffering."But in reality you have only learned to avoid the suffering; you have not freed your mind from it. This process of accumulation, of learning through the analysis of a particular act, does not give wisdom. Wisdom arises only when the 'I' consciousness, which is the creator, the cause of suffering, is dissolved. Am I making this difficult?

What happens when we suffer? We want immediate relief, and so we take anything that is offered. We examine it superficially for the moment, and we say that we have learned. When that drug proves insufficient in providing relief, we take another, but the suffering continues. Isn't that so? But when you suffer completely, wholly, not superficially, then something happens; when all the avenues of escape which the mind has invented have been understood and blocked, there remains only suffering, and then you will understand it. There is no cessation through an intellectual drug. As I said the other day, life to me is not a process of learning; yet we treat life as though it were merely a school for learning things, merely a suffering in order to learn, as though everything served only as a means to something else. You say that if you can learn to contemplate you will meet life fully; whereas, I say that if your action is complete, that is, if your mind and heart are in full harmony, then that very action is contemplation, effortlessness.

(From Verbatim Reports of Talks and Answers to Questions by Krishnamurti Italy and Norway 1933: Third Talk at Frognerseteren)

I'd love to talk about this, so do feel free to write or call or get in touch any other way :)

Something Krishnamurti said in a conversation I just read took my breath away. I hope this excerpt makes sense out of context. I have a feeling it can stand alone; do let me know if it doesn't.

Questioner: I shall have to go into this very, very deeply.

Krishnamurti: But this also can become an occupation which becomes an escape. If you see this with complete clarity it is like the flight of the eagle that leaves no mark in the air.

The only thing I can do

I cry easily. When anyone speaks to me with strong disapproval, crying is the immediate habitual response. No matter what is said, however true or untrue or even silly it is, tears well up – and often it is the physical reaction that comes first. Strong emotion and a particular pattern of thought tend to follow the tears.

One way to move with this is through thought – by changing my conditioned response and my patterns of thought. It would not be too difficult to convince myself of the absurdity of my response, to dig into why it started to happen so I might change it, to remind myself to take deep breaths or even just observe my breath at the time of my reaction, and more likely than not, the reaction would die down and in time fade away.

I could go quite far with this sort of modification of thought. I could condition myself to become a much happier person – calmer, less reactive, less impatient –I’d be end up being nicer to people, so people would be nicer to me; it would all get pleasanter and pleasanter!

But I am sure I do not want to do this. There is no desire in me to ‘get over’ this reaction. Sure, it makes things difficult sometimes – I burst out crying in staff meetings and all kinds of possibly embarrassing situations, I cannot always be clear about what I want to say, and self-images are frequently and grotesquely punctured.

There truly is no desire to modify thought because I see how limited that is. I see that the self may get subtler and subtler, but the division still remains. Because there is deep concern with the most fundamental separation, because I want to find out if it can completely come to an end, and because it is clear that to condition myself would only be moving away from this question, it is impossible to do.

I am trying to say a rather subtle thing… I’m not saying I want to continue to be neurotic so that I have enough opportunity to observe the self in action. I‘m not saying I will be what ‘I am’ instead of suppressing my true emotions, or that I will remain stuck and put everyone else through my emotional mess.

Interestingly, just the action of not moving away brings about a sort of flexibility. Sometimes the reaction just dissolves, or the physical reaction happens but I remain completely clear and articulate through it, sometimes it does not even arise. I can address it with people when I see it limiting a relationship. And often I just go through the full-blown reaction. But I will stress that not-moving-away is not another more effective method to get rid of the reaction. It is the only thing I can do.

How the intellect can run ahead, creating an image of deep enquiry, while your life, each actual non-verbal moment of your life, is untouched by goodness and clarity!!

rusty cages

stuffed with chickens like cotton in pillows

show me how far i'd like to run

from my own suffering

Reminder

I can remind you that we see little and know little

but much goes on behind the scenes.

I can prod you to confront your disbelief

and dig out facts for yourself

go ask the milkman, visit the slaughterhouse

make the links.

I can help you do that.

But I cannot lift you

out of the dead weight of habit.

I cannot knead your mind

to make it pliable, young, innocent.

Nor can I uncloud your eyes

so you might see afresh

the wonder of life

and the immediacy of truth.

I cannot lighten your footsteps

slow your thoughts down

or fill your heart.